The Cannonball Read III - Osaka Slide: #11 - Carte Blanche by Jeffery Deaver

Full Disclosure: I've been lax with my disclaimers.  I really should be including these with my posts on books I received for free.  Not only is it legally expected, it's also just good form.  I'd like to thank Heidi Metcalfe at Harper Collins for providing me with a copy of Men, Women, and Children; as well as Alicia Samuel at Simon and Schuster for providing me with the review copy of this very book under review.

Blame my father for making me a James Bond fan.  He owned all the movies, and ever since he was a kid he'd been a big fan.  If it wasn't for him owning the movies, I'd have thought that 007 was a rather neat video game character, instead of a cinematic icon of suavity and danger.  And if it wasn't for the films, I'd have never taken enough interest to start collecting and reading the Bond books over the years, which would have meant I'd missed out on being introduced to Ian Fleming's sterling prose.  Which would mean that I wouldn't be able to tell the difference between the quality of this book versus the previous attempt at resurrecting Bond, Devil May Care, as compared to the Fleming texts.

Devil May Care was a disaster.  A formulaic fill in the numbers "tribute" to Ian Fleming's writing, that failed to capture me the way Fleming himself did upon the first read.  Truthfully, the only reason I own the book is for completion sake.  When I heard Carte Blanche was coming up, I seized the opportunity because I figured that if it was good, my faith would be restored.  (And if it was bad, then I'd have a good time writing a negatively scathing review.)  I am happy to announce that Carte Blanche succeeds in rebooting the franchise, and giving us readers something to look forward to.  James Bond truly is back.

Bond, now a veteran of the war in Afghanistan, is a young 00 agent at the Overseas Development Group (ODG for short), a front for an organization loosely connected to MI6.  If Six needs something done, but has its hands tied with the regulations, the ODG's O-Section goes to work with their carte blanche privileges.  So long as it's overseas, it's theirs to do whatever they need to in order to get the job done.  It is with this directive that our favorite agent of mystery and intrigue hops the globe in order to avert a disaster only known as Incident Twenty.  It's set to happen in five days time, and James Bond will not only have to outsmart the enemy, but also bureaucratic hurdles within his own government, to stop the man who's at the head of it all...recycling magnate Severin Hydt.

This is the first Deaver book I've read and honestly after reading what he did with Bond, I ran out and picked up a copy of his other recent release, Edge.  He knows his British slang enough to be convincing, he knows the economy of story masterfully enough to keep the book moving at a thrilling pace, and he knows the Bond formula enough to stay true when he has to and to innovate when the audience wants to.  Literally, reading the last chapter of the book there was a moment I was afraid he'd sink into a typical Bond moment...and he didn't.  He is obviously a fan of the new, gritty Bond reboot films...which also means he is a true Ian Fleming fan.  What's even more impressive is that for an initial installment of a series reboot, Deaver forgoes the typical style of front-loading set-up and short changing actual action.  As far as events are concerned, this reads more like an entry that confidentially trusts its audience knows the world enough that it doesn't have to hold their hand and introduce them to everyone.  It lets them work the room and make its own introductions.  It's a Bond book written by a Bond author.

It's rare that I gush over a book this much.  Usually it's in the middle, with a couple quibbles here and there.  Frankly, I can't think of any quibbles with this book at the moment.  I think it's because the Bond formula is so comfortable that it's ok to follow it.  However, in order for it to truly work, you need to put your own spin on it.  Deaver does just that, and he does it admirably.  If there's justice in the world of Spies, Simon and Schuster will continue to produce Bond novels with Deaver at the helm.  Here's hoping that as always...

James Bond Will Return

Up Next: The Magician King by Lev Grossman

The Cannonball Read III - Osaka Slide: #4 - A Shore Thing; by Nicole "Snooki" Polizzi

"There's 'The Truth', and 'The Truth!'" - Lionel Hutz, Esq.

As anyone who knows me knows, I'm into politics.  It's an obsession really, what with the election cycles, the media conflictinator, and the general fate of the American public in the balance.  But one of the things I love the BEST is the Double Talk.  Pushing one message whilst secretly advancing another, mostly by omissions, euphemisms, and good old fashioned lies.  As such I would ask that you, the audience, allow me to practice my Double Talk skills with this book review for A Shore Thing, written by New Jersey's latest literary powerhouse* Nicole "Snooki" Polizzi.  (*Powerhouse of subpar fiction)

The Truth!:
For a first time author, Snooki has a decent story on her hands, and she tells it as well as she can.  For what we were expecting out of her, this isn't all that bad.  It's just a tale of a couple of girls looking for fun, fashion, and fucking on the Jersey Shore, and there's nothing wrong with that.

The Truth:

Before I get into analysis of the text, I ask that you all refer to the picture on the top left; the one that depicts the cover art.  Do you know what that is?  It's the only way Snooki could get anyone to look her in the eyes, because let's face it...she's not playing on the same level as Kindergartners much less the rest of us.  If her public persona wasn't enough of an indicator of this fact, then the "book" she's "written" is more than ample proof.  (I seriously think Valerie Frankel, her "collaborator, who helped translate [her] ideas onto the page" should be credited as a co-author, because there's some "big" words in here I doubt Snooks would ever use.)

So the book.  Funny story actually.  No, I'm not saying the book is funny because it doesn't even perform on a "so bad, it's funny' level.  It's actually a "so bad, it's shitty" level of entertainment that puts the value of its entertaining factors in the negative.  If you want to skip reading the book, here's all you need to know:  Take "Spice World" and mix it with "Crossroads" (The Britney Spears picture); throw it into a Jersey Shore rerun and bake it with a Twilight covering.  That's "A Shore Thing", a book that's written as if Peter Griffin started telling one of his bullshit stories that rips off something he saw on TV, except it goes on for 289 pages.  (288 too many, if you ask me.)  Don't believe me?  Here's the main point of the book, as summarized by a paragraph of dialogue:

"But, then again, who knew what made love last?  It was a game of chance, luck, destiny, experience -but not too much hard work, as far as Gia could tell.  How hard could it be to show the person you loved that you cared?  All you had to do was smush every chance you got and treat them with kindness and respect.  Easy."

Is now a good time to mention she named her fictional surrogate after one of her pets?  Yeah, Gia is one of the pets that she thanks in her opening acknowledgments, and that just happens to be her fictional surrogate's name.  "Gia" and "Bella" (JWoww's fictional surrogate) are "down the shore" for Summer vacation in order to escape the dramas of Brooklyn.  In trying to avoid drama, they only create further drama and "comedy".  Throw in a couple of Trust Fund douchebags who want to bang JWo...I mean "Bella", a couple of mean girls who are out to get Snook...erm, "Gia", and a divorced couple thrown into the mix, and you've got exactly what this book is about. 

It's fitting that JWoww's fictional surrogate is named Bella, because Snooki's basically written Twilight for Guidettes whose attention spans are shorter than their poufs.  Her main characters stumble into everything they want with minimal effort, are popular even when they're awkward, and end up landing the "hawt juicehead gorillas" they've been wanting to bang...only to leave them and declare that they want to be single anyways!  They build towards what you think is going to be a cookie cutter ending (by using all the other cookie cutter parts) and ultimately puss out on the ending.  JUST...LIKE...TWILIGHT, except instead of one Bella (which is fucking bad enough), you get TWO!  This book is so frustrating, I found myself throwing it across the room after finishing it.  What's sadder is you KNOW MTV is going to want to cash in on the fame of this midget famewhore and should Jersey Shore ever end, you know this is going to be the "launching pad" Snooki will inevitably try to use in order to cross over into feature films.  (Basically, this'll be the next "Jackass" franchise if we're not careful.)

That being said, I think Snooki should write another three books in this series.  Why not?  She clearly has a wellspring of ideas, or has at least seen enough movies and been through enough on Jersey Shore that she could rip off some ideas.  She should embrace the Twilight connection and end the series with Gia and Bella giving birth in a vat of pickles, whilst doing shots of Hornitos and Patron and listening to shitty techno...all on the dance floor at Karma!  (Wardrobe by Ed Hardy.)  Do it, Snooki!  You won't!  I fucking dare you!  NO BALLS!  Sorry...I got a little wound up.  Needless to say, this review has exorcised my demons and this mind is indeed clear.  I'd like to close with another quote from one of the antagonists who basically sums up why people like myself hate Snooki and her Jersey Shore pals.

"I hate you because the world is at your friggin' feet."

At least with Snooki's height (much like the current state of Pop Culture), it's not that far of a fall.  Thank you for this book, Snooki.  If anything, it's inspired me to read the books of your other housemates and rip them apart much more viciously than I did yours.  Thank you for setting the bar so low.

Next Up: Across the Universe by Beth Revis

"Two Gentlemen of Lebowski" by Adam Bertocci

Disclaimer: I received a free copy of this book from the fine folks at Simon and Schuster, particularly my Publicity point of contact Jessica Abell. I'm not getting paid for this, I just do it out of the enjoyment of reading.

"Fuck it, Dude.  Let's go bowling." - Walter Sobchack

"The Big Lebowski", upon its initial release, was a dud.  For some reason the theatrical audiences of 1998 weren't ready for a "Film Noir meets Stoner Picture" mashup reminiscent of Elmore Leonard.  Considering Get Shorty was mildly successful years prior, one would assume that this could have been a bigger hit.  Both are criminally centered, both feature almost anti hero protagonists, and both had casts that were well equipped to pull off their respective roles.  The only difference was that everything about The Big Lebowski wasn't as big as it is today.  Now, it's an oft quoted work of filmic glory that featured Julianne Moore and Phillip Seymour Hoffman (before they were mostly Indie/Prestige Picture Players), Tara Reid (before she was in rehab), and Jeff Bridges (in a role that probably started the build-up to his comeback that would eventually come to fruition in Crazy Heart)...all before they moved on to bigger, better things.

"A pox upon't, Knave; let us play at ninepins." - Sir Walter of Poland

Archaic translation has been a pretty popular source of Internet Meme based humor as of late, mostly accompanied with the exaggerated visage of French painter Joseph Ducreux.  Much like this work's source material, archaic translation is basically finding humor in something that once existed (and whether the original artists like it or not) and discovering its previously undiscovered comedic weight.  Mostly been used for short form works, archaic translation hasn't really been used to its full comedic potential.  All that has changed thanks to Adam Bertocci's whip-smart work of academic laughter, "Two Gentlemen of Lebowski".

The Genesis of this project is just as interesting as the case of Bonnie Lebowski's disappearance.  "Two Gentlemen of Lebowski: A Most Excellent Comedie and Tragical Romance" hit the Internet and slowly began to build buzz, primarily through Facebook.  Through that, the author became another one of those "Internet Sensations".  Jeff Bridges, John Goodman, and Julianne Moore all had positive things to say about the project, and unlike the original telling of The Dude's Tale, Adam Bertocci's version started heading to bigger and better things right from the off.  (In no small part thanks to the cult following The Coen Brothers' original masterpiece had built.)  Audiences sold out most, if not all, of the limited performances of "Two Gentlemen of Lebowski: A Most Excellent Comedie and Tragical Romance". 

Sadly, after such success, some rights issues came up and forced the play off the Internet and off the stages.  (Nothing says irony like having the rights holders protesting your work of fiction based off of a film which, at first, was a loss leader for a major Hollywood studio.)  After cryptic status updates and teasing from Mr. Bertocci himself, the Knave had his day and Two Gentlemen of Lebowski: A Most Excellent Comedie and Tragical Romance was announced for publication.  After its uphill struggle, its long slog to glory, the world (or at least anyone with a review copy) has the finished product in front of it/them.  Was it worth the time and effort?  The short answer would be, "Yay, and verily!"

Two Gentlemen of Lebowski manages to successfully mash up Shakespearean literature with the Coen Brothers' sense of humor.  More than just a literal translation of the source material, Two Gentlemen transplants the story we've seen before into an era that (surprising to some) actually fits it quite well.  Vengeful thugs, powerful villains, protagonists versed in humor of a more ribald nature, the cold but pursuant love interest to our hero's quest...all done in the works of Shakespeare.  (Bonus Lit Geek Points: The Book is LITTERED with Shakespearean references, direct quotes, and lampoons from all of his "Greatest Hits".)  The basic plot is still the same, but slightly re-staged to fit the time period, which goes the extra mile in exceeding as an individual work instead of just a successful parody.  Even funnier, the book is laid out like the annotated versions of Shakespeare you'd remember from your school days.  Not since "America: The Book" or "I Am America (And So Can You)" have I gained so many laughs out of the footnotes!

This is a rare work that receives no qualms from me at all.  I honestly can't come up with a single thing I don't like about this book, save the fact that it should be openly produced on the stage for all to see.  (Seriously, Broadway...could you imagine the coin you'd bank with this being put on by the film's original cast?!  One show, one night, all the stars!  This is the easiest charity opportunity you've stumbled upon in years!)  It's a breezy read that makes for easy, single serving enjoyment; while at the same time being of deep enough detail that you could actually teach this side by side with actual Shakespeare plays in a Collegiate English course.  All of your favorite lines are here, all of your favorite moments are present...all that's different is it's much more dramatic, with flowery prose and an amped up laugh factor.  Two Gentlemen of Lebowski: A Most Excellent Comedie and Tragical Romance is a tale full of nihilism and apathy, told by a drifter, signifying that The Knave doth indeed abideth.